Someone confided to me that they were experiencing feelings of being judged. And, they weren’t allowed the opportunity to provide clarity or context—they were simply dismissed. The worst part is it came from family—the ones who are supposed to lift you up and provide a sense of belonging. The little snarky comments and side-eyed looks caused frustration and feelings of rejection.
“Expressions of disgust or contempt communicate absolute rejection.” ~Beverly Engel
The Nice Girl Syndrome: Stop Being Manipulated and Abused—And Start Standing Up For Yourself.
To compound the problem, they further blamed how she was raised—adding “insult” to her parents. I don’t believe her extended family actually realized how they were making her feel. Nevertheless, they were rejecting who she is based on their views of how she is supposed to be. They view their life and choices as the more appropriate way to live—there is little room for diversity.
I will add, that as parents, we do inadvertently mold our children to our way of thinking. As they get older, we begin to see the disparity in points of view as they formulate their own thoughts about life. That is a beautiful thing. There is an appreciation that my children are willing to discuss what they believe—even if I do feel they have lost their minds. I welcome the opportunity to both learn from them and share what my experiences have taught me.
The conversation I had with her wasn’t to build self-esteem so much as it was to neutralize the judgmental comments. She recognized for the first time just how closed-minded they were. I encouraged her to be assertive and speak her mind—to not be dismissed. I also encouraged her to pick her battles as some are just not worth fighting for.
“Nothing is right or wrong. It's all an interpretation of which lens we are looking through.” ~Tarun Sharma
The word Yoga translates to mean union—the union of your divine consciousness. It’s a spiritual discipline, but a discipline nonetheless. I’m on day seven of my tour of divinity and I’m determined to make this a routine way of life. One might think that Yoga is easy, but one would be wrong. It’s not just stretching in quirky positions and lying on the floor. It’s described as a group of physical, mental, and spiritual practices. These past six days “practicing” Yoga have been a bit challenging to say the least. Mostly because I lack balance—putting on underwear offers unstable footing. You may also realize that you aren’t as flexible as you once were. Of course that doesn’t stop me from trying to put my foot behind my head.
Although I have taken Yoga classes in the past, it wasn’t with any frequency and it’s been years. I stayed to the back of the class and giggled as I wobbled through the poses. This time, to save face, I headed to the library and grabbed a few DVDs. I grabbed one for beginners, one for weight loss, and one for better buns (the main reason for exercise). Given my limitations of being essentially new to Yoga, rather unsteady, and slightly inflexible—I exercise until my body says, “Nope.” Each day I push a little further and it’s actually working out for me as I go further each day. The key is to follow the correct techniques, listen to your body, and breathe. I’m not doing any of those fluidly, but I’m getting there.
There are various kinds of Yoga, and it’s not just about the physical exercise—but a way of life.
This by no means covers all the aspects of Yoga, but for me, it’s a start to understanding how to achieve my goals both mentally and physically. I think the bottom line is to do something for yourself that in the end makes you feel good.
My oldest son recently begun taking online college courses. Naturally, he is encouraged to do well, and that tends to be where the friction lies. He doesn’t want to be asked about school. This is mostly because his focus is elsewhere—whether it’s video games or going to work. We have come to a point where we have stopped asking…almost. We made him very aware that college is way different from high school, and he has to be on top of his coursework. In the end, we are skeptical he will succeed in the first semester. Those who have gone to college understand what that means, especially when it comes to funding.
It got me thinking about my rerun through college a few years ago. I did the work and became dedicated to getting my degree. Just like my son, I didn’t take my first year in college at 19 as seriously as I should have. However, I do wish I did. I shared that with him, too. His 19 and my 19 were vastly different in circumstances, but the mentality seems to be the same. Learning from my mistakes and experiences doesn’t seem to be working.
Going back to college in my forties changed me for the better—but, in the end, that’s all it did. There was no job waiting for me after earning my Bachelors Degree. There was no indication that a degree would even help. It is such a paradox. Companies want a degree-toting employee, yet having one guarantees you nothing. I’m not naive to think experience and knowledge isn’t a factor. In my experience, even a resume that matches a job description perfectly doesn’t get you any phone calls.
I tried pointing at things to blame. Was it my age? My last name—which was Spanish at the time of graduation? Was it because I took a few years off, not working, to raise my kids? Was it the field of study? I found that nothing I came up with was conclusive; only that having a degree really didn’t matter. I will clarify: it didn’t matter when getting a job, but it did for my own personal goals.
But, how do you persuade your children to go to college and get a degree to have the career they want when they know it didn’t work for you? I’m not sure. I will, however, continue to emphasize the immense feeling of gratification it gave me. I will expand on how I learned more about not only what already interested me, but gained other interests. I will tell them it taught me focus, patience, and perseverance. College heightened an appetite for knowledge.
This is the take-away I want for them.
That whole "miles to go before I sleep" line has me thinking. How I view it is solely based on my mood. It can either mean that I have a lot to do before I can rest for the day or a lot to do before I die. Although I don't make lists of things to do as I should, I think about all the things I want to accomplish. Making a list is actually a very satisfying way to feel like you've accomplished something. I do adore crossing things off my ever growing, continuous list. Everyone does. I think about my existence on this plane, happy for the things I have more than disappointed for the things I don't. This is solely based on averages, not always daily. Once again, all based on mood, and perspective.
As I've grown older, I am more settled by the fact my list of things I want to do before I die has shortened to a more healthy and reality based one. Remember that MASH game we all played in high school (not sure if that's still a thing). M is for mansion, A is for apartment, S is for shack, and the H stands for house. One of these things will be your future by the end of the game. Naturally, back then I wanted a mansion. Not so much now--way too much upkeep and I can't even think about the electric bill. I'm wondering if Apartment can have sub-categories that include a townhome or condo? As far as the Shack goes, I've done that already. I'm now wondering if my life is actually playing out just like the game. We all think of a shack as being uninhabitable, but it's defined as a roughly built hut or cabin. People pay a lot for those kinds of places these days. Nevertheless, I think I can cross this off as been there-done that considering one of my "homes" was rough for a while. There was a legitimate house—once upon a time. It had a huge yard, trees, community pool, and plenty of living space. It also had property taxes, an HOA that was rather Gestapo-ish, and a constant battle with chinch bugs. I have an appreciation for rock gardens at this point.
Now, I have a condo in a beautiful community that's quiet--relatively, considering the kids. There's a lake, pool, hot tub, and no lawn I need to maintain. I've loved and appreciated this home for the past three years, but now it's time to make a move. We need more space as our family is growing by one, that handsome man I’m destined to marry. So, in this the part of the game you list your crushes, those hot men you will live happily ever after with. What I wouldn't give to see a copy of the outcome of this game back in school. If I were to summon my 9th grade self, I can think of only one celebrity I no doubt selected for this great honor. Simon LeBon from Duran Duran. That's a no brainer for anyone in the mid-80s, or at least someone from that band. I'd get to tour the world, backstage access (of course), and I'd get serenaded every day. I can't even imagine who else I selected at the time, but probably some cute guys from school. These days, I have no desire to live a celebrity life and I already have the man I want--but for the love of the game, let's list some contenders. Chris Hemsworth, who needs no explanation. Tom Hanks, because I'm sensible and he's adorable. Ewan McGregor, who's sexy, sings, and has that whole Scottish accent thing. And finally, let's go with Paul Rudd--that cute boy next door that makes you laugh. With the exception of Chris (who is exceptional), I think my choices are age appropriate. And, I imagine all of these guys have good credit--that's just sexy.
When it comes to the car selections, I know my younger self was obsessed with one car--the Corvette. I can't even imagine having a Corvette now and insurance has to be outrageous. Although still a sexy car, they are incredibly impractical. Before kids, I had fun in my Miata and Jeep Wrangler. After kids, I had no fun in a mini-van--a car definitely not ever chosen by my 15-year-old self. Nowadays, I'm a simple girl and just need something that fits the family and runs well. But, since I need to choose four vehicles, I'll fill in the blanks. Audi Q5, because who doesn't want an Audi? Range Rover, because being a bad-ass mom is important. Jeep Wrangler is still a good choice since I have teenagers driving and it has a towing hitch. And because being bad-ass extends outside of my motherhood, a Porsche Carrera GTS convertible--specifically that new Tiffany blue. I'm still a girl after all and the kids don't have to go EVERYWHERE with me.
And where will I be driving that Porsche? Well, for now, Orlando. Back in school, I'm sure I chose far off countries and exotic places--Italy, Spain, or some remote island in the South Pacific. Try driving a Corvette on those sandy roads along the shore. I'm happy in Orlando, but I need of four places to live for the game. My choice of Italy hasn't changed, and George Clooney would love me as a neighbor. I definitely have a cup of sugar he can borrow. Spain is a contender, and I'm sure Antonio Banderas could give me, uh...us, some insider tips on the best neighborhoods. My older self also wants Mexico, not just because of the family lineage, but because it's rich with culture and has beautiful beaches. We'll leave the criminal element out this fantasy. My final choice would have to be somewhere along the coast in the States, preferably sunny and warm. Why the US? Aside from my family being here, it's familiar and I need a little of that at my age. Besides, there are plenty of places to explore and many cultures to learn in my own backyard. I love the melting pot that 'Merica is.
There are some variations to this game. Some include career choices, pets, and even the career of your future spouse. I don't recall all the categories I used then, but I know that how many kids I would have was one of them. I'm maxed out at three, so there's no need to venture there. Wouldn't want to jinx myself and end up with four. I shudder at the thought of being pregnant again at this point, especially since I'm pretty sure my future always predicted just two--twins. HA! What the hell did I know then? How I wanted twins, one boy and one girl. The hands of fate knew I could only handle one at a time and threw in an extra one to secure my want of a girl. The MASH gods know what they're doing and we don't question them.
Well, this isn't the productive list I was planning when I started. However, it helps me remember all the things I wanted to do before I die--or, rest for the day, whichever. I will say that my perspective has definitely changed over the course of my life, as have my priorities. I'm happy with the man of my dreams, the townhome we've chosen, the car that gets me where I need to go, the city in which I live, and the number of kids I have. I do hope I have many more miles to go as I obviously have things to do and places to see.
I really don’t believe in making New Year’s resolutions. Why wait until a new year to start doing the things you want to do? I constantly think about the things I want to change—all year. Let’s call it a coincidence I’m starting in January. I guess you could say with all the talk of resolutions, it’s made me think about making some changes. Perhaps it’s in the phrasing. So, I’ll change “I plan to…” with “I want to.”
I want to be more proactive in my goals, which includes getting a job that allows me to be creative. This essentially means using my brain as guiding people on where to vacation has felt sales-ish. I guess if there are incentives involved in booking vacations, that’s really what I’m doing—sales. That is not why I chose a degree in writing. I want to devote more time to writing, not just blogging. However, I do need to get back into doing that, too.
I want to be more effective with my time, accomplishing what I need to in a timely manner. I have this knack for procrastinating and then feeling stressed when it’s crunch time. I want to make lists, which is writing (see what I did?). That extra time can be better spent doing other things, like napping. I’m kidding, but I’m not. However, there really isn’t anything more satisfying than crossing shit off your list.
I want to be more steadfast with my kids as I seem to have adopted their lackadaisical attitude they have housework and homework. They need discipline and so do I. I could spend hours talking about how this will help with raising respectful, responsible kids. I can’t expect them to be accountable if I’m not, even if it’s just to myself.
I want to clean more. This sounds like I’m being funny, but I’m not (although I am sort of laughing as I write it). Now, I know I have kids for that, but there’s a certain way I like things and I have become flippant about even that. I have hoarder tendencies and need to keep that in check if I want my home to look clean after spending the time doing the maid stuff. Mopping around boxes in the corner or wiping down counters laden with mail is absurd if you think about it.
I want to be more efficient in my household shopping. Planning out meals and keeping an eye on toiletries will not only save on time, but it will prevent those last minute trips to the store for toilet paper. I’m not a huge fan of buying in bulk, however with a family of five sometimes you have to let it go. Seeing 50 rolls of toilet paper in the closet can be sexy from what I hear. I do enjoy cooking and creating a menu for the week would benefit everyone, mostly me. I can’t stand the daily questions of what I’m making for dinner, especially if they are watching me make it. Hearing ”whatcha making?” as I flip a hamburger is justifiable homicide, right? Then there’s the concept of posting menus as it lends itself to disgruntled family members. One doesn’t like roasted chicken, but likes it breaded. One doesn’t like potatoes mashed, but likes them fried. Those with kids totally get me. And you can forget about vegetables of any kind with the kids. I guess you could say since I buy the food and cook it, I decide. However, I HATE throwing food away. And, making them eat what’s on their plate is such a pain. Besides, I hated that as a kid, too. I’d rather buy vitamins, in bulk. I’ve tried various recipes, including those that trick them into eating veggies. Now, there’s joy in saying, “HA! You ate a vegetable and liked it!” However, then they won’t trust my cooking and that would piss me off even more after spending time deceitfully (yet artfully) making meatballs out of black beans and cauliflower.
I want to be more connected with my family. With so many things going on in my own life, I forget to ask about theirs. I love chatting with my siblings, they’re super funny. Not to mention, talking to my grizzled Dad and spirited stepmother. You’d think they weren’t in the same room together when they’re faux-bitching about what the other is doing, but they are. I miss them all. I don’t want to only call when I have a problem, or have to call because of an ambiguous Facebook post when I should have known how their lives were going. I want the good stuff, too. And, I want to get to know my fiancée’s family, as well. Surely they can’t be crazier than mine.
I want to read more. I did sign up for my Goodreads book challenge. But, it shouldn’t be a challenge to read a book. I used to lock myself away and read ferociously, but that fell by the wayside as of late. That’s the last thing I needed to stop doing. The only way to become a better writer is to be a better reader. I read that somewhere.
I want to not be on the resolution bandwagon and mention exercise, but I will. I want to exercise. Although I look amazingly younger than I am (I got carded at the liquor store), I want to have energy and not continue the thigh-vs-jean melee every morning. I think I still look good, but I could do better. My fiancée is a runner (although on temporary hiatus) and what better way to get closer to him than to enjoy what he does? He wants to train me and I know it will make me say ugly things, but it will be good for both of us in the end. And he knows I won’t mean it when I say things like asshole or suck it.
Well, there are my not-resolutions so far. I want to have more, I think. Like travel or spend more time at the beach or go antiquing or perhaps meditate. But, I want to pace myself for now.
There is definitely an art to rediscovering yourself. It’s done in pieces and when it comes together, it’s a magical thing. You feel as sense of relief – a sense of triumph. All of the things I ever wanted out of life have suddenly come to light and now it’s time to take action. I think the biggest obstacle is maintaining confidence in yourself and believing that you are capable of greater things; especially if you’ve convinced yourself for years that you aren’t. As I’ve mentioned in my recent posts, I’ve made many changes in my life. Admittedly, when making these changes, a sense of doubt crept in making me question everything. I knew that getting a divorce was necessary, but could I be a single mother and maintain a career all on my own? It was overwhelming at times. There was really no choice but to move forward and that in itself helped me see that I could. Although I have the support from those I love and care about, I knew I had to make things happen for myself. I came to realize that I needed to restructure my thinking and focus on what it took to build my new life –not dwell on things I had no control over. I’ve gone through the hardest part and I know I came out successful in the end. In fact, I like who I am a lot more and believe I’m a better person because of it. However, this is a long process. And while I’m in a better place, I know I’m never quite “done.” Change is constant.
As it relates to the things I want out of life, that was a little more challenging. I no longer have to sacrifice my goals because of someone else. It may sound like an excuse I keep using, and perhaps it is in a way. In hindsight, I didn’t realize I was a victim of mental abuse by someone who saw me as inferior. I didn’t recognize how much of myself I had neglected. This marriage started to deteriorate because I was figuring all of this out, questioning why I let someone have such control. Our life was in a constant state of uncertainty. Almost every single problem we faced financially and emotionally was because one person didn’t want to do their part. As a result, I became withdrawn. I no longer voiced my thoughts or what I wanted. That’s no way for a marriage to survive. Now that I have separated myself from that, I am the only thing that can hold me back and that’s not going to ever happen again.
My days are now filled with what I want and I’ve never been happier. I’m still looking for that dream job, but at least I know what it is. And, I’m not waiting around for it to happen; I’m actively pursuing it. The best part in my entire rediscovery process is that I’ve surrounded myself with those who support me unconditionally. The most important person in my life genuinely cares for me and has always encouraged me to be my own person.
Given everything I’ve done to redefine my goals in life, I’m no longer afraid to take a chance. I can’t lose. I can only learn more about myself. That’s truly what it’s all about. No longer am I worried about what others will think and curb who I am to appeal to them. I don’t pretend that my world is absolutely perfect. Shit happens, and that’s life. However, what I chose to do after that makes all the difference.
I am a woman-child at heart; continuously evolving to find my place in life. I am a mother, a daughter, and a sister. I am a lover and a dreamer--an explorer and a traveler. But it's my passion for writing that allows me to explore my ingenuity. This is something that undoubtedly carries over to the many roles that make up the ever evolving woman I am.